Before I'm Dead
by Tom T. Thomson
Summary: Sometimes immortality will make someone who once was mad, sane...


Before I'm Dead __

Before I'm Dead   
Documented by Tom T. Thomson

Immortality. Im-mor-tal-i-ty. As seen in 'The Random House Dictionary of the Slaunickh Language' noun unending life. Unending life. Funny word. Life. To live. Alive. I'm not. Never have and never will. I sit here on a high roof top and watch the living live. 

I was born, this is true. But I remember someone saying, 'There is no life with out death and no death without life.' I guess that applies to me. No death means no life. Simple. Okay. Fine. I breathe and have a spark like any other bot. But…still… 

I think I kill because I'm fascinated with it. I can't so I make others do. I will never get the feeling of my spark fading into nothing. I've studied it. Some one once told me _'life is a phenomenon'_. Another funny word. Noun; a fact, occurrence, or circumstance observed or observable. Guess that fits. I then asked him what not living was. _'Nothing'_. 

I am nothing. Thousands have died of nothing. I don't need to breathe, but I do. Why? I don't know. I knew the bots who could have told me. I killed them both. One asked the other for this curse to be laid on me. 

I call immortality a curse. Others say I'm insane. True the times the subject comes up, I'm ripping something out of them, but…still… 

Why am I thinking of this now? 

I watch as a bot is mugged by another. The mugger has just hit his victim over the head with a gun. He thinks he's just knocked the bot out, but he hasn't. The bot's dead. 

I wish I was him. Dead. Or I wish I was the mugger. Able to die. But at least alive. 

Before I came up to this roof top, I killed a bot. In a way I just killed two. The bot and the spark possessing him. What was his name? Starscram? Starscream? Yeah, that's it. Starscream. Boy did he have an ego. Anyone can have their body blow up and live to tell about it. He thought he was the only one. I pulled him out and put him in a jar, just like Primus. 

I miss him. I kinda rushed it with him. Didn't want others coming in when I was almost done with him, now did I? No, I didn't. 

After I was though with the bot, Starscream and I started talking. He thought he could talk me out of hurting him. I told him, _'I may let you live, but that's only for bots I really don't like. So don't count on it.'_ I am immoral. He was not. 

Was. Am. What's the difference? Am is what I am. I am and will always be. He was. Now he is just a memory. I wish I was something besides _am_. 

My dad. That's where this all starts. With a _was_. With two _was_es. _Wases_, plural form of _was_. Primus needed someone to live in. My dad needed … some thing. I don't know what it was. 

But Primus needed someone. Someone whose spark wouldn't give out when his came. No one was like that. There was no one who was truly immortal. So he made one. Me. 

I don't dare make friends. It would hurt too much to see them die. Not by me. Death comes for all he can see. But he can't see me. When you're died, I'll be here. In the end, it will just be me and Smelter. 

Someone's found the bot's body. I think she in hysterics. Someone's screaming. Another bot's trying to tell someone to call anyone. Then some one else is just sitting on the corner, crying. 

I don't do so many things. I can't. If I felt something, _anything_, I'd have to keep if forever. Forever's a long time to keep something. So I feel nothing. I am nothing. Nothing is no one. But … still… 

I might be happier if I was asked. If I had made this choice. If … 

But there aren't any _ifs_. _If_ I didn't have this curse, would I be down there, living my own life, maybe even holding one of the bot's that's crying? _If_ I wasn't the first child, would that mean that Cheetor would have this curse on him instead of me? 

No. 

No. I'm the stronger. I'm the one the dammed god wanted. Only the _best_ would do for _Primus_. The best gone him killed. 

I was cursed before I was born. Before Mom had told Dad she was going to have me. Before… 

Anything. Anything would have been better than this. 

I watch as the living live. I watch as the living die. I watch. I watch since that is all I can do. This is I realize, there is no _Death_. I'm _Death_. I will kill all of this bots. Every one. 

Am. I hate that word. It is what I am. I am an am and will always be an am. I am nothing who kills while he watches. I am _Death_, like a deadly virus. I take my time for time is all I have. 

Time. Am. Was. _Death_. Life. Live. Living. Nothing. 

I am _Death_, am, and nothing. How can I be anything else? 

I had no choice to be here, on this roof top. The bots down there had no choice to be on the streets. But if they don't like it, they might be comforted by the thought it will all end eventually. No comforting thoughts for me. I will always be here. Always. 

The body is being taken away. Only two bots are still there. The one on a corner, crying and the one in hysterics. Someone's leading the one in hysterics away. No one bothers with the one on the corner. No one cares. I can hear them say, _'She'll get over it soon enough.'_

What if… she doesn't? What if…? 

I died? Impossible. A paper has just been ripped from a pole and it flies up here. I catch it and laugh. It says, _'Wanted Dead Or Alive'_ then it has an old picture of me. Large reward. They wont get me alive or dead, even if they did get me. 

But still I am brought back to the thought, _'I am going to be here forever. I will be here when there is no where to be. I wasn't given a choice.'_

As I think, I feel like I should write this down. That way, maybe, instead of spending all the time in the world going over the same thing over and over again, I can just read it and save some time. After all, thinking about immortality and nothing made me realize just what I want, _need_, to do before I'm dead. 

  



End file.
